John: The Conservative's paranoia has finally proven right- Barack Obama is a socialist muslim tyrant hell bent on destroying the American way.
Bryant: No, that's not what happened...
John: Planned Parenthood has been exposed as performing wholesale abortions out of black market abortion clinics for unwed teen mothers-
Bryant: No dude, that's not it either.
John: Since the passing of same sex marriage laws, the men of America will be forced to get gay married-
Bryant: No man, what the fuck, the IRS thing.
John: Ohhhh yeah, you're right- The Conservatives have finally been proven right- The IRS is coming for your taxes
Bryant: Close enough... this is NGNJ
(Intro)
John: Welcome to the news with the Next Gen News Junkies, I'm John Amaruso
Bryant: And I'm Bryant Clark
John: And we are now what we will one day used to be.
Bryant: Deep.
John: Replacing the old system of using an Hawaiin citizen on top of a volcano to scream HEY TSUNAMI! Scientists have figured out a way to make tsunami predictions more accurate, using GPS satellites- That's right GPS's- (GPS narrative) TSUNAMI, AHEAD, MAKE U TURN WHERE POSSIBLE, MAKE U TURN WHERE POSSIBLE.
Bryant: The IRS has been marred in controversy after reports of political prosecution for specific conservative and tea party affiliated groups who were seeking tax exempt status- It is for this exact reason that when I fill out my tax returns, I use the name... Franklin Delano Roosevelt. (play skit)
John: Google is under scrutiny after Congress has decided to launch an investigation into Google Glass for how well the device will protect the user's privacy... Well, seeing that Google has already taken it upon themselves to own your e-mail account, collect your data history, translate your conversations, operate your mobile devices, and have mapped the earth, ethics seem to be the last of Google's priorities- that is why we at NGNJ are proud to introduce- Googleair- point, click, breathe- coming to a lung near you.
Bryant: In an effort to marginalize the oppressed religious right, Brazil has become the latest country to legalize same sex marriages- With the amount of scantly clad women and beautiful rears that this country is known for, it can now be proven that gay, is most definitely not a choice- it's actually quite unfortunate.
John: Pope Francis in his first speech about the economic crisis, says world leaders must stop their worship of the 'money cult', and bring money back to the poor and help the common person- From the grave, Martin Luther King Jr gave Pope Francis a word of advice- Duck.
Bryant: The Pentagon has authorized the use of Iphones and Ipads in their daily services for employees. These devices along with their apps will prove to be a great help to the efficiency at the Pentagon- or they will be used to stitchpic incriminating photos of torture. (show picture)
John: Israel has begun building new settlements on Palestinian territory. In other words, Fuck You Palestine.
Bryant: Costa Rican President Laura Chinchilla is the center of a scandal for her use of a jet plane owned by a Colombian man who is under investigation for drug trafficking- well, Mrs. President, you should have known, hanging out with any Colombian makes you an automatic accessory to any international drug ring.
John: The CDC released a report saying that over 1/5 of American Children have a mental disorder- this makes sense, seeing that you would have to be crazy to get through the American Education System.
John: Well that does it for us here at NGNJ, I'm Jamaruso
Bryant: And I'm Blark
John: Do these American flags make my audit look big?
Bryant: Big and juicy.
John: Goodnight and party like it's 1999.
Bryant: No, that's not what happened...
John: Planned Parenthood has been exposed as performing wholesale abortions out of black market abortion clinics for unwed teen mothers-
Bryant: No dude, that's not it either.
John: Since the passing of same sex marriage laws, the men of America will be forced to get gay married-
Bryant: No man, what the fuck, the IRS thing.
John: Ohhhh yeah, you're right- The Conservatives have finally been proven right- The IRS is coming for your taxes
Bryant: Close enough... this is NGNJ
(Intro)
John: Welcome to the news with the Next Gen News Junkies, I'm John Amaruso
Bryant: And I'm Bryant Clark
John: And we are now what we will one day used to be.
Bryant: Deep.
John: Replacing the old system of using an Hawaiin citizen on top of a volcano to scream HEY TSUNAMI! Scientists have figured out a way to make tsunami predictions more accurate, using GPS satellites- That's right GPS's- (GPS narrative) TSUNAMI, AHEAD, MAKE U TURN WHERE POSSIBLE, MAKE U TURN WHERE POSSIBLE.
Bryant: The IRS has been marred in controversy after reports of political prosecution for specific conservative and tea party affiliated groups who were seeking tax exempt status- It is for this exact reason that when I fill out my tax returns, I use the name... Franklin Delano Roosevelt. (play skit)
John: Google is under scrutiny after Congress has decided to launch an investigation into Google Glass for how well the device will protect the user's privacy... Well, seeing that Google has already taken it upon themselves to own your e-mail account, collect your data history, translate your conversations, operate your mobile devices, and have mapped the earth, ethics seem to be the last of Google's priorities- that is why we at NGNJ are proud to introduce- Googleair- point, click, breathe- coming to a lung near you.
Bryant: In an effort to marginalize the oppressed religious right, Brazil has become the latest country to legalize same sex marriages- With the amount of scantly clad women and beautiful rears that this country is known for, it can now be proven that gay, is most definitely not a choice- it's actually quite unfortunate.
John: Pope Francis in his first speech about the economic crisis, says world leaders must stop their worship of the 'money cult', and bring money back to the poor and help the common person- From the grave, Martin Luther King Jr gave Pope Francis a word of advice- Duck.
Bryant: The Pentagon has authorized the use of Iphones and Ipads in their daily services for employees. These devices along with their apps will prove to be a great help to the efficiency at the Pentagon- or they will be used to stitchpic incriminating photos of torture. (show picture)
John: Israel has begun building new settlements on Palestinian territory. In other words, Fuck You Palestine.
Bryant: Costa Rican President Laura Chinchilla is the center of a scandal for her use of a jet plane owned by a Colombian man who is under investigation for drug trafficking- well, Mrs. President, you should have known, hanging out with any Colombian makes you an automatic accessory to any international drug ring.
John: The CDC released a report saying that over 1/5 of American Children have a mental disorder- this makes sense, seeing that you would have to be crazy to get through the American Education System.
John: Well that does it for us here at NGNJ, I'm Jamaruso
Bryant: And I'm Blark
John: Do these American flags make my audit look big?
Bryant: Big and juicy.
John: Goodnight and party like it's 1999.
No comments:
Post a Comment